Quick Tips to Boost Your Spouse’s Confidence in the Bedroom
By Janel Breitenstein
Maybe you’ve found yourself in that place where you’re wishing sex in your marriage was … better. Or closer. Or just more o-f-t-e-n, for Pete’s sake.
Just to be clear, if you try to manipulate your spouse into more sex, that’s kind of aside from the whole point. Sex isn’t your end game here.
Sex is an expression of your love and togetherness, your plural-ness.
Better sex starts in your own heart.
Talk to God about your sex life. (Kid you not. He made it.) In what ways could you be failing to love your spouse above yourself? What can God show you about the whys behind your spouse’s reticence?
If the issue is confidence—stemming from body image, passivity, timidity? A few tips to get you started.
1. Praise your lover.
Get verbal about what works and what you love. Song of Solomon is chock-full of This is what I love that you do. This is what I love about how you look. Get specific in your appreciation.
But don’t overpraise, which becomes unbelievable (Okay, I know I’m not the most beautiful woman in the world). Don’t fake anything, praise included. Keep your marriage “naked and unashamed” (Genesis 2:25).
2. Move toward honest communication.
Start by asking a question. Can I move your hand a little? Would you try this?
Honesty can seem vulnerable, even opposite to safety. But make your bedroom—and your marriage—a place where you’ve got enough trust to be yourself rather than a pretend version.
3. Keep the lights on.
So many of us struggle to silence messages fueling body hatred. (Porn furthers this message.) We think we should hide.
This might require prayer as you both reprogram your brains to contentment and gratitude for this God-given body that does so much for your family.
4. Let the non-dominant partner lead.
Learn to love this partner’s expression, courage, creativity, and pleasure.
Like learning a dance, expect stepped-on toes and awkward laughs. But soon, expect something beautiful.
The good stuff: Draw me after you; let us run. The king has brought me into his chambers. We will exult and rejoice in you; we will extol your love more than wine; rightly do they love you. (Song of Solomon 1:4)
Action points: Create a safe environment to talk by first demonstrating your affection non-sexually (maybe a foot rub, a long chat, and expressed affection) and getting vulnerable about your own fears or sexuality. Then ask, “What could I do to be a better lover for you and make our bedroom a better place for you? I would love to know.”
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