Healing Wounded Hearts After Adoption – II

Guest (Male): Next year marks 50 years of ministry for Focus on the Family, encouraging families and helping them thrive in Christ every day. How has God used Focus on the Family to strengthen your marriage, guide you in your parenting, restore a relationship, or bring hope in a difficult season? We want to hear your story. Call now and share how Focus on the Family has made an impact in your life. You'll find the link at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. The following program is sponsored by Focus on the Family and it is supported by the prayer and financial gifts of wonderful friends like you.
John Fuller: Today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, we'll be hearing more from our panel of guests, Jody Jackson Tucker, Lisa C. Qualls, and Betsy Kyllstra, about God's redemptive hand and how He can bring healing to and through adoptive families. Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller.
Jim Daly: John, our goal at Focus is simple. It's to help families. I think people get that if you've listened regularly on YouTube or podcast or the broadcast. We're here for you and we started a conversation last time about adoption and foster care work, and we have three special guests with us that really have been impacted in their lives by those contours of the family. It's just part of what God does to pick up the pieces, to mend us back together, and move us toward a healthy, whole life in Him. That's the goal. And we are going to pick up that conversation. Adoptive families have some very specific needs, and I would say emotional and spiritual needs, and we're going to continue talking about those today. Yesterday we talked about healing from the wounds of abandonment and grief and loss, and I would recommend that you go back and go to the website and pick that up. You can get the app for the phone and you'll have access to all the broadcasts there. So do listen to our last conversation. I think you'd be blessed by it.
John Fuller: Yeah, and our guests have together written a really great resource. This book is called *Healing for Every Heart in Adoption: Redemptive Prayers and Strategies for Adoptive Parents, Adoptees, and Birth Parents*. You can learn more about our panelists and the various works that they're involved in. They do some terrific things and this book at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Jim Daly: Lisa, Jody, Betsy, great to have you back. Thanks for being with us. Jody, let's pick it up from where we left off last time. And again, people need to go back and listen to that, but you left us with both a tough story and then a beautiful little God-wink at the end about your necklace, your scripture, the scripture that talks about God replacing a stony heart with a heart of flesh. And that's what that is. But you found that jeweler on the beach after you were swimming, and it sounded like you were there in desperation.
Jody Jackson Tucker: I was. As an adoptive parent, it can be easy to fall into the lie that we are responsible for the healing of our children. There's so many good materials now. We've all learned about trauma-informed care and attachment parenting, and that's also a heavy weight to carry when you're an adoptive parent. When you see the brokenness and the suffering that your children have experienced and you're carrying the weight of that, I had to realize that it was Jesus who could heal me and my child and release that entirely to Him. There can be talk in our adoption community about how challenging it is in an adoptive family. It can be difficult, but as a mother, I've come to realize it's obedience over outcome. I stepped into this life out of obedience to Jesus. He called me to it and I did it out of obedience to Him. But then I started to forget that He was also the author of the outcome. So while my child may be struggling, Jesus has a plan. It's through our suffering as each of us has shared. It's in those moments where He meets us. And so we cannot shield our children from everything that they must go through, but He has a plan. He's in charge of the outcome. And that's why I appreciate so much particularly Betsy's work with these prayers that she has blessed my life with, of how I can pray for myself and pray for my children, whether they're still in the home or not, that redemption is there through prayer.
Jim Daly: That applies to biological kids too. I mean, this is any kind of situation where your children, whether biological or adopted, are struggling. And if you'll allow me, I just want to dig in a little more to understand that feeling. I mean, the desperation of a mom whose child is not behaving, when you say outcome, they're not moving in the direction that you desperately want them to move in, whether for them it's self-harm or just that continued affliction of where they're coming from and they're not getting over it. And you're at your wit's end to figure out how do I help. And then, and I'm making those assumptions, then it turns, you turn it on yourself, that I'm no good, that I'm inadequate, I'm not equipped, I'm not the mother I thought I was. I don't have the capacity. You get the idea. Speak to that desperation because I think many moms listening and watching are going to say, that's me, I'm right there right now.
Jody Jackson Tucker: Well, first of all, we have to think of it not as how the child is behaving, but that the child is suffering. They're continuing to suffer from the circumstances that created them to need to come into your family.
Jim Daly: Now in that context, and I experienced this with Jean and I both with foster care, you're at your wit's end and then you start doing things that aren't in line with loving that child. I'm not talking about abuse, but it's attitude, little things like, man, could they not get over this? What's happening? You're talking about flipping the script there so that you get away from that kind of "if then" outcome and you just start loving them.
Jody Jackson Tucker: I think as adoptive parents, it's easy for us to try to be looking for the next tool, the next resource, the next therapy program. And sometimes that's enough and all those things are good, but really every single day I just have to put my child at the feet of Christ. You have to do that with what they're doing though. That's what I'm getting at. You have to become comfortable with the mess, if I could say it that way. And that's a hard thing to do because we want to tidy the mess as parents. Well, Bible stories are quite messy, I've learned. And there's a lot of stories about foster care and adoption in the Bible that I came to see when I was in seminary. And so when I see how God wrote about those stories, they're long stories. We have to take the long view. Moses was 40 when he killed the Egyptian. Moses, an adopted child, was 40. I thought he was a rebellious teenager. And when I learned he was 40, I thought, Lord, this is going to go on forever.
Jim Daly: I can't get on top of this.
Jody Jackson Tucker: Yes, but look at the story that God was writing with Moses' life, and that's one of my favorite Bible stories. And it encourages me that in our families, we have to take the long view. And I think it's important also to recognize that I don't just want healing for my family, I want healing for the birth family of my children as well. And that's why it was such a joy and blessing to collaborate with Lisa and her courage in sharing her story because we are all connected. We've all been connected by a sovereign God. I will always be connected to my children's birth family, and I want that healing and that knowing of who they are in Christ as much for them as for our family.
Jim Daly: Well, even with the Moses story, of course, him being cast down the Nile and in essence being adopted, that whole component and then what he was dealing with, not really being Egyptian, but being exalted in that culture.
Jody Jackson Tucker: The same identity struggles that we see in our kids. Exactly.
Jim Daly: Lisa, let me ask you. Adoption is difficult for the whole family, and I would say foster is as well, as we've experienced. So I put these two kind of together. Adoption is a much longer, obviously, commitment, a lifelong commitment to these children, but you have elements of it with foster care as well. But there can be some damage done to your biological family, and you have to take that into account and manage it, as we were just talking about. Now you're feeling bad that your biological son doesn't feel like he's getting your attention because the adopted child needs so much time and attention. But just speak to all the dynamics of that and how we find healing, whether we're mom, dad, adopted child, biological child who now has a new roommate in his bedroom and he's trying to figure out what's going on here. But speak to all those realities.
Lisa C. Qualls: Speaking as an adoptive mom, I think the experience of the siblings, I call them the unseen siblings, is really significant. And often these kids, they make a lot of sacrifices. Sometimes some real suffering comes because we're bringing children with significant wounds into our families. I always tell people that we didn't do it very well. We were so consumed by the needs of our new children because we adopted four children from Ethiopia. We were so consumed by their needs that we sort of lost sight of the needs of our other children. And we had to refocus and really seek our kids' forgiveness, actually, and make a new start with a lot of things to put more support around them. When we couldn't give it, we actually changed to a new church that had a really strong youth program where the youth pastor could support our kids. There were so many different things that we did.
Jim Daly: Jim, you and I both have been involved with a national adoption conference and that's where I first met you. One time they asked my biological daughter if she would serve on a panel to talk about what it was like being in an adoptive family. At this point she was in college and she had five younger siblings who had all been adopted. A lady in the audience raised her hand and asked my daughter, we're thinking of adopting and we're worried about how it will impact our biological children, just what you're bringing up. I'll never forget this is what my daughter said. She said, remember your job as a parent is not to make your children's life comfortable. Your job as a parent is to make your children more like Christ. And I thought, okay, that's a wrap. I'm done here.
Jim Daly: Well, the fact that she caught that showed a lot of maturity for her age.
Jody Jackson Tucker: Yes, and even though she had experienced some of the same things that Lisa's kids had experienced and gone through a lot with her parents and with her family, she reminded us, this is why we do this. We're trying to make our families more like Christ.
John Fuller: This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and our guests today are obviously speaking right from their hearts: Betsy Kyllstra, Lisa C. Qualls, and Jody Jackson Tucker. And they've pulled together their collective experiences and insights in a terrific book called *Healing for Every Heart in Adoption: Redemptive Prayers and Strategies for Adoptive Parents, Adoptees, and Birth Parents*. You can learn more about that book and get a copy from the ministry here when you stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Jim Daly: Betsy, we talked yesterday about identifying the wounds caused by adoption. How would you define the wound of shame?
Betsy Kyllstra: I think shame is feeling like you are permanently and hopelessly flawed. It’s very different from guilt, where you’ve actually done something wrong and you can repent of that and get it all clear, but shame is like this horrible thing that sticks to you, that affects your identity. This is like who I am is a shameful person and I can’t somehow get rid of it. So it sort of becomes a lens through which you see life as just a shameful person.
Jim Daly: What was your journey in experiencing that? How did you overcome that? Did you do self-talk to say, okay, Lord, I know this is not who I am? It's hard for many people to simply do that. How did you get from that shame, the feeling of shame being part of your identity, to being able to better understand it was not your fault? The fact that you were adopted was not your fault. I mean, you're a little baby. What could you have contributed to that? But how do you get there when that voice of shame has been ringing in your head for years?
Betsy Kyllstra: It's a great question, and it's a painful journey. And a lot of times we in our society have labeled it more low self-esteem than we have shame, but they're different feelings and shame is really the better word. I think for years it was just a dark shadow that affected my life, like I'm never good enough, I don't belong, all of those messages that the enemy tells you and you agree with because you don't know any better. Little by little as the Word began to get into me, and then I had this encounter when I was about 10 or 11 years old. I was just walking home and I just saw Jesus on the cross. And it was like He was just there saying, "I did this for you. You're okay. You're mine." And that just changed everything for me.
Jim Daly: So that's when it made sense.
Betsy Kyllstra: That's when it made sense. And it changed for me the way I felt about myself. All of a sudden I felt like I am going to be okay. This was a turnaround in my identity. It was a turning of the corner, that realization that you are loved by God and you're seen by God. Oh, He's written my whole story and He's right here and He knows me and He knows all of my struggles. He knows all of my ugliness and He still loves me. And it's so where everybody needs to get to. Then when He says, "My burden is light," now you're feeling a light burden of the Lord and that shame and that guilt is gone. It's not who you are. The deceiver has been whispering in your ear. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy and he'll whisper all of it into your ear. And that, I'm so glad you said that because that gave me ammo. That gave me ammunition when those voices came back and I said, "No, I've seen and heard the Lord."
Lisa C. Qualls: And I think we want to encourage these young pregnant women or birth moms that the Lord is looking upon them with love. They are precious to Him. They are loved and He's going to carry them, whether it was decades ago or whether it's now. He's going to carry them and there will be sorrow.
Jim Daly: Jody, Lisa alluded to this, this idea of isolation. But what can we practically do? You talk about building a community. How do you wake up one day and say, okay, I need to build community around me? What does that look like?
Jody Jackson Tucker: It's so important to find other adoptive parents who are going through the same experience, for your children to know other adopted children, for your foster kids to hang out with other foster kids. Both Lisa and I lead communities that are welcoming to these parents and we would welcome you in. It's incredibly important. And even for biological children in an adoptive family. But at the end of the day, I would just want to make sure to say that while we've talked about a lot of the challenges and we do talk about the challenges in those communities, what we share in those communities is adoption has been the greatest gift to my life. I wouldn't change it for anything. God adopted me and becoming an adoptive parent and my children are treasures. They're treasures, and they're treasures to our biological children as well. We wouldn't be who God meant us to be without them. And so coming into those communities, you can find other people who can reframe the hard, help you take the long view, get the support you need from someone who truly understands. There's retreats available now for foster and adoptive parents. Get that community you need so you can flip the script and start to see the beautiful redemption that's being written through your story. Our families are biblical families. We're all adopted into the kingdom of God, right? And so we're all in that spot.
Jim Daly: Lisa, we're nearing the end here and I just want to make sure people have a good idea of what do I do. Speak to those listening who were never a part of adoption and aren't feeling called to adopt. How can they come alongside adoptive parents to help them be successful in this endeavor? This is the one thing that the early church, this is what they did. They picked up those babies at the Roman dumps. They brought them home. Guess what? There were unwanted pregnancies 2000 years ago. Some things are not new under the sun, right? And it was the Christians who went and gathered those children who were just left there to die through exposure, brought them home. I'm quite certain the church came around those families to say, okay, let's take care of these kids. But speak to what do I do if I'm living in a normal biological family.
Lisa C. Qualls: There are so many things that people can do to support adoptive and foster families, from the small things to the big. I always tell people, think about what is a life-giving way that you like to serve. Maybe you have a child who's playing soccer and you can pick up this other kid and take him to every practice because those parents are too overwhelmed, they cannot sign their kid up for soccer. It can be that easy. It can be doing someone's laundry for them. It can be mentoring one of the biological children in the family, coming alongside them. I mean, the options are endless. And I think it can be super practical. It can also be financial. Foster and adoptive families are tapped out financially. We're seeking so much help for our kids. Time and treasure. So I think the options are endless. So it's important though to serve in a way that actually you can sustain, something that you can do for the long haul. And that's what people did for us. We had people who, I had one friend who picked up one of my adopted daughters every Tuesday after school, took her home, fed her dinner and was like her special person, and everybody at home got a break too. So it doesn't have to be hard, but it can be profoundly important for that family.
Jim Daly: Let me throw this out to everybody, this concept of forgiveness. I mean, it's running in every direction in this context. So parents forgiving their daughter, perhaps Lisa, your position. Daughters forgiving parents, adoptive children who are struggling forgiving their adoptive parents. I mean, you can run all of the various needs for forgiveness in this moment. What do you say about the power of forgiveness in this moment?
Betsy Kyllstra: Well, Jody and Lisa are looking at me. So I'll take off. But first, forgiveness is mentioned even in the Lord's Prayer. "Forgive us of what we have trespassed, our debt, as we forgive others." So it's non-negotiable. And so we get in there and we realize, okay, I'm going to have to deal with this. It's the hardest thing we have to deal with, I think. And we've written it into every prayer through every chapter of this book to help people realize, okay, what is this really and what do I need to forgive? But I'd like to speak just a minute to what forgiveness is not because I think sometimes that's a big block for us. And I just want to say to my brothers and sisters out there, forgiveness is not saying that what happened is all right. It's not saying it's okay. It's saying I'm taking myself out of the judgment seat of judging what has happened and I'm letting the Lord, I'm turning that over to the Lord and I'm withdrawing my judgments. Forgiveness is also not saying you've got to be back in relationship with whoever has wounded you. And it's also not saying that it's a feeling. It starts as a very difficult decision that we choose because we honor God and we know that's His way. And so we choose to do it and we cry out, "God, help me. Help me to forgive." And so it's a decision that leads into a process that takes some time and takes God's help to do it.
Jim Daly: Jody, you have mentioned, I believe this comes from your area of the book, and it sounds odd to even say this, but how do you respond to the idea that love is not enough? Because in Christian circles we think love is enough, forgiveness is enough. How can that not be enough, love and forgiveness?
Jody Jackson Tucker: God's love is enough. Amen. My love will never be enough. I'm a weak, frail, flawed person. I will never be a perfect mother. And I always have to remember to apologize to my children. I'm not going to get it right. But that teaches us who is really the source of all love, and that's Jesus Christ our Savior and His love is enough. His love is what can heal our families.
Jim Daly: And that's what you've all found is the love of God. And I so appreciate the way you've expressed it. What a good discussion we've had and I'm so thankful for each one of you, the lives that God has given you. You're here today because of what has happened to you and what you've done to heal those wounds and to help others. So thank you for the whole kit and kaboodle. We so appreciate it. Thank you.
Betsy Kyllstra: Thank you.
Lisa C. Qualls: Thank you.
Jody Jackson Tucker: Thank you for having us.
Jim Daly: And if you're struggling with pain from the wounds of adoption and you need someone to talk to, we have a team of caring Christian counselors available for that purpose. It's absolutely free, so take advantage of it. We want you to. If you want to get involved with adoption or foster care, you can find those resources through our Wait No More program. John will have the details in just a minute for both the counseling and for Wait No More. And if you or someone you know has been affected by adoption, I recommend you get a copy of the book *Healing for Every Heart in Adoption*. When you give a gift of any amount to Focus on the Family, we'll send you a copy of that book as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry. When you donate to the ministry, you partner with us to keep providing resources. Jessica, a listener from Australia, told us, "I regularly thank God for Focus on the Family. I grew up in a non-Christian home and your daily broadcasts and resources have given me so many tools and ideas. My husband also listens and God has definitely used your ministry for orphans to touch our hearts. As a result, we have signed up to be foster parents." Man, that's awesome. Thanks, Focus, for all your amazing work. Wow. Well, thank you for your amazing work and your commitment to these children.
John Fuller: Yeah, get in touch today. Our number is 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY (800-232-6459) or schedule that consultation, donate, get your copy of the book, and learn more about Wait No More at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. And coming up next time, how and why you need to pray for your marriage.
Guest (Female): Prayer can help. Prayer really does open the door to that intimacy. And I think it helps as we talked earlier because there are going to be times when we can’t love each other well.
John Fuller: That's next time on Focus on the Family and remember when you get in touch, let us know how you're listening: on our website, through our mobile app, or on our podcast feed. I'm John Fuller and on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, join us next time as we help you and your family thrive in Christ.
Guest (Male): AI can't listen, pray, or offer faith-shaped wisdom, but Focus on the Family can. We offer guidance and hope for whatever you're facing. Give us a call at 1-800-A-FAMILY for your free confidential phone consultation.